saved by grace

6:31am: hey baby...


don't forget this time or place
this space
where my soul meets yours
on a crowded street
or in an empty room
us two
forever
i love you

5:24am:
my favorite time of day
is feeling you close,
the time between sleep and dream
when i can feel you
next to me,
loving me,
silently coaxing me
deeper into sleep
with the gentle warmth of your prescence,
it enraptures me and causes me
to fall so deeply
into the the abyss of comfortability
only to awake wanting more...

6:58pm: wow its been one long minute since i updated this journal but the woman brought it back to my remembrance on the train this morning so i thought i'd crack it back open. man my life has changed...and then changed back. interesting the cycles that we go through...closing doors opening doors taking out the trash and finding new things to do with all of our old, the recycling so to speak. my life has definitely recycled back to this ol' love thing again. yep. i found it. and its real. wow, its real. not something to question and wonder about, but something that's easy and unspoken, deep and freeing, so freaking liberating. im in love for the first time for real. and i want to stay in this. i dont want to run, im not looking for any doors, any loopholes. im holding on tight and im opening my heart up for this woman who speaks my mind and gets me to my core. to. my. very core. its amazing. she's a wonder in and of herself. so much like me its freaky, but not bad. she's gentle and speaks the kind of words ive longed to hear forever. i know ive waited my life to watch her walk into a room, to feel my face light up and my eyes get heavy because i have to have her, i have to touch her hand when she's walking beside me or it doesn't feel right. we fit. and i thank God every morning for bringing her here to me. now.

11:30am: mmmmmm...im thinking road trip....

yes, and a cold iced coffee in east atlanta.
alone.
yes, alone.

9:52pm: and i'm just about to drop it
down that manhole of memories
when i realize it doesn't bother me
and heartache not so dire
cuz i looked up to see integrity
finally won over desire

5:55pm: and i know that i was warned
still it was not what i hoped
yes i know that i was warned
still it was not what i hoped

i think i'm done gunnin to get closer
to some imagined bliss
i gotta knuckle down
and just be ok with this
i'm gonna knuckle down
just be ok with this
'course that star struck girl is already someone i miss

11:16am: oh the intricacies of being vegetarian at thanksgiving...

11:38pm: when i say i love her i mean i want to love her, want the opportunity to hold fast on something that might be mine. i want to get inside her mind and mine out the little pieces, rip away at what she hands me and turn it into something more beautiful than it started. i want to show you that i am a fighter, not a quiter, that i will fight til the finish or the beginning, whichever comes first. i want you to see inside me, behind those eyes i hide behind so very frequently. behind my mind i try to lure you with, behind my intentions or thoughts or feelings, the truth is, i want you. stripped from all that binds, shackles aside, i want the you when you worship and the you when you are free, the you you try to hide... i will pull out from myself and show you something new, i will delight you with my words, pour them out from my heart like wine to taste. i will show you love. show you that you don't have to be afraid because LOVE NEVER FAILS. show you that my love is unconditional and doesn't hinge on what i see. i will see you one day soon.

8:14pm: i lay down this doubting thing.

11:42am: i drive out fast and pump the pedal hard
like im going to break some sort of barrier
because my soul is flying and i'm just trying to keep up
the melody is in my head
and im just trying to keep the beat
so i feel the pump pump pump of my heart
and the grind of my teeth
i feel my jaw about to break
and im holding onnnnnnnn
soooooooooharrdddddddddd
and for what?
anxiety is free from me
and i worry not again
He's holding up
He knows where im going
cuz He brought me where ive been

1:24pm: I see the God in You!!
some people have a way in bringing out the worst in us. sometimes it is the way they talk to us. For some reason they think we don't know what they know. Sometimes it's just the way they do the things they do. It just makes you crazy! Some people just show up with their face and hair and attitude and that look that makes your skin crawl. You try to be nice. You really try to like them. Yet no matter how hard you try, they just bring out the ugly in you. The next time you are in the company of someone like this, ask yourself "Why am i giving this person my power?". Better yet, you might want to remember that God works through people--all the time! All people, no matter what you think about them, are an embodiment of the same spirit in you. They may not know it. You may not see it. Sometimes they may not act spiritual, but actions do not change the truth. People are God's hands and feet, eyes and ears. People are God's students and GOd's teachers. God will test you, teach you, love you through the being of another person. Your job is to honor and respect people for the part of God they are. The next time you are challenged by one of those nerve-wrecking people, remember, God is in your face! How you respond to and treat other people is always a reflection of what you know and believe about God.

//Iyanla Vanzant

1:48pm: I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tear
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

- take my world apart
- I am on my knees
- take my world apart
- broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

1:36pm: 1 cor. 5:7

8:16pm: funny that...

12:34pm: i started my fast @ midnight last night...its been 13 hours and im already feeling it..but i am allowed juice and tea and one cup of decaf coffee a day...im going 140 hours this time....pray for me...

12:29pm: fasting until sunday
its only been 13 hours but im starting to feel it...
last time--i really started to feel it around 20 hours
but im already feeling it now...
prayer is all that i need right now...

3:02pm: nowhere but here...to my girl...
realising how much i love her
when she rises and when she falls
there are times she makes me smile...
as well as scream and yell and cry
when i see her sleeping in the morning
when she turns over and huffs in that cute lil way
because i tickled her toes or tapped her cheek
i know everything will be ok
in the way she looks at me close up
with those eyes that belong only to a child
and she asks me with her head half cocked
"what are you looking at"?
i smile...
her eyes often well up
and i laugh
and she laughs
and we both fall back and cry its so funny
nothing really
just silliness and relief
we are cutting out this path together
and i need her
and i want her nowhere but here
by my side

2:44pm: i am embracing the calm before the storm with tea and bagels...and bananas and yogurt of course! work is so hectic that i forget to take out ME time and just sit and think and pray and laugh at myself out loud...

12:17pm: got some WONDERFUL news today!! im getting free tickets to the ani show!!

4:13pm: islolated and alone and i dont know why
he's breaking me down and i dont know why
he's breaking me down and i dont know why
but im here...in the midst of...waiting patiently for an answer
...
i called an old friend yesterday...a best friend...whom i haven't talked to in a year
we got in a fight and haven't talked in a year
i just left a message on her cell phone
but im kinda frightened at calling her back
what will she say? what will she be like now?
has too much time passed?
will she want to talk to me again?
all these things go through my head
but i kinda feel relief.
we had SO.MUCH.FUN.
and i dont know if she is a different person now...
but im hoping for the best
and praying for the rest...

Current Music: the best deceptions//dashboard confessionaL